apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
