all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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