I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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