I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
