2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm passing your future prison.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
