my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize