I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
