Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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