We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
