I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
