so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize