Who wears a wallet chain?!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
