First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
