Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
