Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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