Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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