Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
