Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
