i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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