Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
