I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
