god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
