I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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