I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
