Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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