At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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