my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
