I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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