dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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