nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
