Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
did you just send me my own nude
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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