Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
