You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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