Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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