She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
