a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize