my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize