Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
