does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
