Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
