i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
