does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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