I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
