Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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