then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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