They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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