Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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