My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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