He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
