Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
