I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
