you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She even gives head with a lisp.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
