i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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