I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
