My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
