I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I look better un-naked...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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