Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
