I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
