ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
