could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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