Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
